Que Sera Sera

The song Que Sera Sera is from Doris Day 1956 album, being famously sang 10 years before I was born. It is a norm question that every kids will asked “Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? What will lies ahead?”. Let’s hear the song to refresh our memory.

When I was a little girl, I told my mother that I wanted to be like her when I grew up, i.e. cooking, raising 10 children’s on my own and doing part time business to help my husband. Just like what my mother was doing ever since I understand the meaning of MARRIAGE and LIFE. My late mother had a groceries shop cum small restaurant where we resided in Jeli, JKR Base Camp. That conversation took place on the staircase when she was applying coconut oil to my long hair. It was a great childhood times for me, no kindergarten as we entered primary 1 at the age of 7. My early childhood was mostly occupied of playing “pondok2 bawah rumah” with my neighborhood friends.

See how, my father and I resemble each other J  , gelak gelemak tuuu.. My late mother (seated wearing glasses) used to nickname my father as "Mamak Keling" when she was not happy with him but will call him "Pa" (my father's name is Mustapha) when she's in love. My children’s  reactions when they first saw this photo, Syahirah said: Gosh, lucky papa tak tengok gambar ni, else, dia mesti tak nak kahwin dgn you. Nazhif: Nasib baik the japanese invented SK-II which really2 works on you! Naim: Smile widely and shrug his shoulder, Nasrul: Mama! Well, what can I say? Did I look that horrible? Yes, I was until I turned snow white on my wedding day ...

Few years later, I changed my mind and told her that “Ma, ore to se jadi supo ma lah. Letih sengoti  ore tengok ma buat khijo rumoh.  Lagipun ore tok leh basuh pinggae, gelupah tangae habih. Sorry Ma”. Remarks: I did well in school and very poor at kitchen. My hand are sensitive to strong detergants and washing soap. My late father took me to the hospital but I was never able to wash so plates so much resulting my other sister had to take that routine.  Listening to what I said, she responded gently “Pah tu Na dok jadi gapo pulok?”. My answer to her while smiling sweetly “Ore nok kulit putih supo Ma, pah tu ore nok ngaji panda2, masuk unibersiti,  ore nok kijo jadi Inginear macae En. Zakaria (handsome engineer in our JKR’s community). Ore nok jadi boh tok se jadi kuli supo abah”. My father was working as a heavy machinery driver with Public Work Department (PWD) or Jabatan Kerja Raya (JKR). I used to tease my late father, “Abah, JKR tu maksud nyo adolah Jangae Khijo Rajin, kalu khijo rajin Jalae Keno Repair… wakaka”.

You guys would be able to see, when I was at this age I already knew that 1 day I will turn to be like Tyra Banks J  Just look at my long black hair, the dress that my sister made for me and the heels, was just like Jimmy Choo’s! Sorry deh, perasae sebeta... Anyway, my children had no complaint on this photo.

My late parent was always supportive with what I did and decided, including breaking engagement with my first fiancé, a young Engineer who joined JKR in our community (my father works under his supervision). They have faith that I will found somebody that will make me happy. I inherited a dark skin from my late father. How I hate the facts that I cannot get a fair white skin like my cousin on my mother side as his father was also fair. I wish I could be reborn (important note: later, my youngest son whispering to me of the same wishes).

I was at this time, studying in ITM doing Diploma in Building. My late sister, Nuraida was in the pciture and beloved sibling, Roshayati & Sukiman are close dearest to my heart.

Young days, I love listening to how my father had fallen for my mother. He was visiting Kg Kuak2 (remember my other entry?) and while passing my late grandmother house, he looked-up to the fruit tree where my late mother (age 15) was eating there. She looked down and throw the fruit to him saying “bakpo mu dok tengok ko aku nyo?”. My late father was only smiling showing his white teeth determined that he only wanted to marry her. She was betrothed to be married to her second cousin and the family had to obey her when she said she doesn’t want to marry her cousin thus her parent accepted my father’s proposal.

I would be cruel if I don’t feel sorry and still am to my ex-fiancé as I was the one (not my parent) who faced him and told him on his face of my decision. How brave to break someone’s heart and dream. Btw, I was turning fairer already when I entered university ok. Tak cayyo ko ke? Sila tengok gambar dibawah niiii.. To him (my ex-fiance) I was his future, he dreamt of me (with tears on his eyes) appealed for me to change my mind. He wanted to give the world but my fate is not with him. The last appealing look of his mother still haunted me till this day. How could, a poor mother who hardly knows me can feel so deeply of his son’s feeling? Okay, I know, I know, I was cruel.

I was at my graduation day in ITM. In the photo was my late parents, beloved sister Tie and Brother, Shihafudin. My father was very sad when I cut my long hair once I was in my 1^st year of university life and decided to remove head cover. He was an imam, taught me a strong fundamental and basis of religion as a Muslim, which keep me on the right path and track.

After my second engagement was on hold due to clashes between me and my fiancé, my late mother was again miserable thinking that nobody wanted to marry me. My late father started to look for a suitable candidate including arranging a marriage with my second cousin, Aziz. Gosh, when I brought my husband back, they were so relief that I finally had someone to clean their image. The engagement was in Kuantan, my sister house as my mother couldn’t face our neighborhoods if the 3^rd engagement will also be cancelled.

To be honest, I was more miserable than her. I performed numerous isthigharah prayers hoping that Allah will show me who will be my other half. God bless, when we were married, I was only praying that he was my first and last love. However, my endless love song was long ago dedicated to my boyfriend, Razi, not him. Gosh, what a story!!!

My wedding photo with my late parent. That was on 24^th April 1991, neighbor’s were all commenting of how lucky my mother to have a son-in-law who is very handsome. Tungguuuu..maso tu  tok napok lagi sayo paka bedok ½ inci, macae snow white! Thereafter, they said “Wey lah, come lote doh mek na loni”. Koho kembae idung kepek sayo la wey adik kakok wey J

Looking back, I still really missing my late mother, passed away in February 2002 (she was 61) and my late father (65), in October 2002 dearly. It took 8 miserable years to move ahead with life and starting a new journey in making preparation to join them. Everyone will die as we are a mortal. In 1997, I started to detach myself from a lot of things and I hope when I join all my beloved and Allah, I would be place next with them.

Thank you for reading the story of how I got my answers to the song "What will I be?". Shalom!